Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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