Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
