He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
