make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
