I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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