My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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