He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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