i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
