I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Randomize
