I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
