god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
