u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
