I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
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