MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
