The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
