U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
