My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
People in love make me want to vomit
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
