Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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