im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
