How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
