Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
