I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Randomize
