I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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