i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
