All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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