OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize