Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
