well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
