I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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