just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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