I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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