Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
