I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
