Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
