Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize