Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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