I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
