she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
In other news, I just burned my penis
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
