Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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