She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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