Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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