The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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