Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
