I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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