This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
