I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
