I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
we made out on top of his cat.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
