Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize