I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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