Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
