Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
