She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
