I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
