and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
