If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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