Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
