Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
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