Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
