I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
