Little spoons don't ask big questions
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
