i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
