I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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