I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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