I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
