I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
