Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize