when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
