so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize