i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
