you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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